Sometimes the best parenting seems so wrong. Don’t call CPS, but I am sure I did the right thing by not letting my daughter wear her raincoat the other day.
A lot of the decisions I made that felt counterintuitive at the time have turned out to be good for her. Regarding the raincoat incident, my daughter had a complete meltdown in Starbucks, so after several warnings, we had to leave.
As many of you probably know, trying to reason with a nuclear tantrum is as fun as sticking a fork into a light socket. She refused to put on her coat, so I told her that if she didn’t put it on, she could go without. The coat stayed off; I started walking out.
She followed me to the car in a light drizzle screaming for her rain coat. A one point she fell and cried even louder. I stuck to my guns and kept walking. No joke: two passers-by watched the seen and gave me the dirtiest looks.
We finally got to the car and went home. My daughter was none the worse for wear. No cold, no broken bones, and no more tears. The point is that I said something and I didn’t go back on that. I strongly believe that if a kid can win certain battles, it will undermine your parenting.
As a high school teacher, I’ve come across several kids who have never heard “No” before, and not surprisingly, they get themselves into quite a bit of trouble. Imagine how these kids are going to handle a job when they don’t know when not to cross a line.
Not to brag (well a little), but my daughter is incredibly well behaved. She follows rules, she’s polite, and she asks permission to do things. I think this has a lot to do with knowing that what the parents say is the law.
This isn’t the only example of my exceptional/poor parenting. It actually started very early in life. My daughter was always squirming out of her swaddles, so I came up with a double-blanket-straightjacket-swaddle. I don’t really need to describe it beyond that, but I will tell you she slept soundly when she was bound… err bundled this way.
Staying on the sleep thing, after months of checking on every cry, my wife and I finally gave in and let the kid cry. It worked. She cried herself to sleep, and has been a good sleeper ever since (10-12 hours straight per night). You cannot argue with that success.
When she fell, I didn’t comfort her. Again, I got the dirty looks from other parents, but now when my daughter falls, it’s not a big deal. She dusts herself off and gets back to playing. The upside to that is that now of she does fall and cry, I know that it was a doozy. Now that she’s trained, I’ll give her a hug.
We’ve moved on to potty training, and my bad parenting opportunities have multiplied. If she refuses to pee on the pot, and then wets herself in her diaper moments later, I won’t change her right away. It won’t kill her, and she has to learn.
In spite of all the “horrible” things I’ve subjected her to, my daughter has developed into a sweet, nice young girl. I plan to continue my bad parenting and I know this is the best thing for her.
Just keep this confession away from her future psychiatrist.
Justin Raisner lives with his wife and daughter in San Mateo. In addition to constantly being outsmarted by his daughter, he teaches high school English in the Sequoia Union High School District.
This originally appeared in Parenting on the Peninsula
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